Why

why

why can't I trust others

family, friends and whoever's in between

no matter how much they tell me they're there

or how much they say they care about me

I just don't believe them

and then isolate myself

because I'm not worthy of them

because they're too nice to me

and I am what I am

a cold block of ice

alone in my isolated fortress of solitude

telling everyone to go away

lying to everyone that I'm fine

even if they know I'm not

I can't tell them

I can't talk

whenever I try my throat tightens

my mouth shuts

my eyes drift away and tears start to form

because crying is easier then talking

explaining is hard 

and disappearing

although momentarily satisfying

demands more of myself than what I am willing to give.

no matter how much I promise to try

no matter how much I try

I just can't trust others 

and everything would be easier to fix

if I just knew 

why

Attention (or the lack thereof)

being ignored

being ignored is easy when you are sure of what others feel towards you

if they truly love me they don't need to be there for me to be sure about it

but when you're unsure about other's feelings

well

that's when doubt creeps in

and she'll feed you the most perfect lies

that friends you've known ever since hate you

that they truly despise you

that they talk behind your back or even in your face because to them you are nothing

or below nothing

doubt also tells you

that the stranger you just met

or that cute boy that just smiled at you

that they are either madly in love with you

or that they're being fake 

and loathe you with all their guts

yes being ignored is easy when you are sure of what others feel towards you

but when you aren't

being ignored is worse than being hated

because hate means commitment, it's a feeling derived from passion and obsession

and ignorance comes from indifference

and we all want to be something

we all want to be noticed

we all want attention

that's what spins the world around